Remember That Rash I Had?

There are certain phrases that we hear during our lives that really stick with us. When you're a child, it's usually something like "Wait til your father gets home!", or, "Because I said so!". Maybe you grew up on road trips to barely functioning campgrounds during the summer hearing, "Don't make me turn this car around!"

As a teenager, we get used to hearing, "You get out of that bed right now or you're going to be late for school!", and the dreaded rapid fire questioning every time you want to go out on a Friday night with your friends. "Where are you going? How are you getting there? Who are you going with? Is her mother going to be there? When are you coming back?" And then they still say no.

The tables turn when you become a parent. "Don't put that in your nose!" "Not in your ear either!". "You'll ruin your dinner!" "I am TRYING to go to the bathroom! Go away!" You know, all the classics.

But the things you hear in healthcare are on a whole different level. I've been a nurse for almost thirty years now, and continue to be shocked and amazed at the things that come out of people's mouths. Ironically, in healthcare they make perfect sense. But to the innocent victims sitting in the waiting room, well.......it's enough to write up a quick blog with ten of my favorite phrases I have heard over the years. Fair warning: If you are easily grossed out, this may not be the blog for you.

1. "It has a crack at the tip." - Honestly, I don't even remember what the true context was of this statement, because all I could think was, "Well, that's kind of what you want, right?" It's rather a necessary accessory, if you know what I mean. But if we're referring to the balloon that's supposed to be expanding a critically narrowed artery, having an opening at the tip is probably not going to give you the desired result. (Ever tried to blow up a balloon with a hole in it?)

2. "Who wants to jab this and squeeze it?" - There are two camps, even in healthcare. Those who are disgusted by pimples, blackheads, and cysts, and the rest of us. So if you've got a questionable growth on the waterline of your upper eyelid that's interfering with your ability to start an IV, what better place to have someone jab a needle in that bad boy and see what creamy surprises are in store?!

3. "Do we need to blow on the thing again?" - Now, I'll admit, this could be applicable to any office setting, and to be honest, in healthcare, blowing on things like open wounds and freshly sanitized / sterilized operative sites is actually frowned upon. When it comes to the copier, though, it's basically a free for all. Got a dusty slit glass? Do whatever you gotta do. I will say that blowing on the printer with the front panel open just after you've changed the ink cartridge is NOT recommended. I mean, that's just what I've heard. I have no personal knowledge of this.

4. "Does this man's groin look familiar to you?" - I mean....you've seen one you've seen them all, right? WRONG! Especially with wounds and in vascular surgeries, photo documentation of wound healing is a necessary part of the patient's care plan. These photos are taken in a controlled setting and uploaded to a secure program so that the entire care team can review and provide input. Sometimes, though, you end up with a family member who is just chomping at the bit to send you a copy of PawPaw's groin incision, and while email is encrypted, you still find yourself sitting at your desk squinting and rotating your head in an attempt to try and remind yourself which groin you're actually looking at. It's only natural, then, that you often have to bring in another set of eyes, such as the eyes of the surgeon who actually made this incision. What's truly mind-blowing is the surgeon's innate ability to identify a patient they operated on a week ago with just one photo that doesn't even have a face in it. Kind of like the medical version of Name That Tune.

5. "You remember that rash I had?" - It's almost comical what you hear yelled across the clinic hallways. Forget HIPAA, Uncle Frank just can't wait to tell his favorite provider that that creepy, yeasty rash he had when he was here last month is now totally healed. Congrats, Frankie! We've all been rooting for you.

6. "Yeah, you can go ahead and put your legs on." - This is a touchy one, since we do work with amputees to fit them with a prosthesis and teach them how to become mobile again and move on with their lives, both physically and emotionally. What some people are able to do with a prosthetic leg (walking, driving, jogging, running in marathons) actually make me wonder what the f*ck I've been doing with my life. But you have to admit - when you're sitting in the break room quietly eating your leftover Hello Fresh, hearing that in the silence of the lunch hour does bring on a chuckle.

7. "Oh shit, is today a payday?" - There is a financial hierarchy in any profession, and healthcare is no exception. The more years you spend in school, the more 24-36 hour shifts you pull, the more money you're going to make. And rightfully so. But the people at work who are blithely unaware of their pay schedule while the rest of us are giving each other the side eye, knowing that we've been in the red since LAST payday well......these people are evil and not to be trusted.

8. "Can you come tie me up?" - So maybe it IS just someone gowning up for a sterile procedure, but my personality does not allow me to simply say, "Yes, sir" and hop to it. At the very least, I'm going to give you the sly come hither look, and if I'm feeling particularly randy, it's more along the lines of "I thought you'd never ask" or "I would love nothing more than tie you up in sterile paper." In my defense, though, everyone at work now knows me well enough that they expect nothing less.

9. "Oh my God her vagina smells!" - True story. Let's face it, not everyone has the same idea of what it means to be clean. Sometimes, though, say when your electrolytes get out of whack and you're too confused to focus on well, showering, when you finally make it into the ICU and need a central line with no other option than to put it in the groin, let's just say it can be pungent. An added bonus, though, is getting to watch the poor 1st year resident (trying desperately to get a central line into the groin of a combative 400 lb patient) turn beet red when a nurse points out what we've all noticed but no one has verbalized. It's quite entertaining. (Note: Once her electrolytes stabilized, she was an absolutely lovely woman)

10. "Well, doc, you did that colonazi on me." - Hearing patients (and sadly a lot of healthcare workers) mispronounce diseases, medications, and procedures has to be the most entertaining part of my job. It's not "ambliodipine", Becks, it's "Amlodipine". And no, half a pack of ciggies really isn't that much better than your previous 3 pack habit. This is an all or nothing kind of thing.....the leg, the cigarette...the leg, the cigarette, Debbie, the car...Debbie, the car.

I could honestly go on and on about the bizarre things we hear in healthcare everyday. It would probably make an interesting coffee table book for your nearest and dearest MDs. Now, if you'll excuse me I have to go do my prep for my upcoming colonogamy.