We have now entered that time of year in which life goes on well past the end of the workday. Human beings are finally venturing out into the wild after months of hibernating with Netflix and Insomnia Cookies. Soon we will not only be able to drink Chardonnay on the back patio until 8:30 pm talking dignified smack about the people who annoy us at work, we will also be able to shake off that empty bottle of wine at 5:30 in the God damn morning with a trip to Planet Fitness before heading back to work to spend eight hours pretending we actually like Becky. Sounds like Heaven, right?
Unless you are like me. A certified nictophile who not only prefers things dark but extra points if it's below 40 degrees. As someone with Reverse Seasonal Affective Disorder, I legitimately dread the long, hot, humid days of summer. Don't get me wrong, I love watching a beautiful sunrise, as long as it's on YouTube while sitting on my couch at eleven pm. To me, there is nothing more beautiful than walking the dog on a clear and cold winter's night with only the sound of a train in the distance. That's my Heaven.
Sadly (and much to my shock and chagrin) I cannot always have my way. So, in my ongoing quest for better physical, mental, and spiritual health, I have been trying to think of ways to embrace the break of day. But where to begin? I am making this up as I go along (my daughter, who has managed to become a morning person despite my best efforts when she was small, offered to grant an interview with her pearls of wisdom, but contract negotiations ended in a stalemate when she was informed that craft services are on hold until payday), so I would imagine that preparing for a good morning starts the night before.
I will say that I have gotten better at prepping for the workday by doing things like arranging my freshly laundered scrubs in the order that I am going to wear them that week so that all I have to do is reach into the drawer and pull out what I need. I try to plan my breakfast the night before, as well as pack my lunch for the next day. One thing I admittedly need to work on is unplugging at least an hour before bedtime so that my brain can start to turn itself off, but for now I will settle for pharmaceuticals. I am also a night bather, so I go to bed feeling refreshed.
My biggest challenge, though, something I have dealt with since being diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (and even before), is managing to actually get myself out of the bed. I consider it a true gift to be able to wake up with the sun but force yourself back to sleep for another three hours. It is a skill I have proudly (and somewhat shamefully) mastered. But here's the thing (and I know some of you will relate). For me, sleep is the ultimate safe space. When I am in bed with my eyes closed, the fan on, blinds drawn, and a purring cat on the pillow above my head, absolutely nothing bad can happen to me. Once I put my feet on the floor, however, I am committed to facing whatever comes my way. My alarm goes off and the internal dialogue begins, as I press snooze for at least thirty minutes...."Cindy, you need to get up." "It's going to be a good day." "Everything is okay, you don't need to stress." But I do stress. The anxiety hits before I am even fully awake, complete with sweats, hyperventilating, and chest tightness. I have worked really hard at talking myself down from a potential panic attack, but trust me when I say that making the decision to get out of bed is just as difficult as making the decision to take a shower (but that's a separate blog).
So how do I help myself transition into the person who actually has time to sit at the table to drink a full cup of coffee and eat a healthy breakfast before work, instead of rushing around with two whiny animals wanting to be fed while I slap on half-assed makeup and curse my hair in the mirror before saying out loud "Well, it's just gonna be what it's gonna be.", then grabbing a yogurt and a banana and running out the door, already stressed before I even get to work....in healthcare! I mean, honestly, as a nurse I pretty much start the day behind the 8 ball.
I would like to be able to start the day sitting by the window in my new reading chair, watching the sun rise while reading my daily devotion or even sitting in silence while mentally preparing myself for the day. Okay that may be a bit ambitious. Baby steps, Cindy, baby steps. How about starting by planning a breakfast worth getting up on time for? The healthy breakfasts I make for myself on the weekend that I would never have time to whip up during the week. I mean, food has always been my biggest motivator. My longest relationship in years has been with Oikos Triple Zero cherry Greek yogurt. Maybe it's time we start seeing other people.
Most people would tell me to try setting my alarm earlier so that I have more time. Trust me, it's already set earlier. Don't waste your breath. I could try putting my phone on the other side of the room so that I actually have to get out of bed to turn it off. I've tried that one too. I once bought a battery operated alarm clock to set on the other side of our bedroom for just this purpose.....I broke that sucker in a matter of weeks. Start taking your showers in the morning instead of the night before so it will help you wake up. Well, since taking a shower requires just as much internal debate and struggle as getting out of bed, that would be pointless and only add to my stress.
So is it hopeless? Is the goal of turning my 57 year old self from a lifelong night owl into an early bird achievable (or even realistic)? Or is it about as likely as Little Red Riding Hood making it to Meemaw's house without being accosted by a child predator? I would say no, it's not hopeless. Not completely anyway. It would, however, require the one thing I haven't mentioned and am not even sure is a trait I possess.....self-discipline. Just ask my coworkers when someone brings in two boxes of Krispy Kreme donuts or Sweet D's glazed croissants. It's why I keep thinking about getting back out there and walking after work like I did in my twenties....religiously, I might add....but never actually do it. I can always find an excuse, a way to rationalize my poor decisions in my own mind. It's too rainy, it's too hot, it's not hot enough, I'm too tired (which is totally legit when you're no longer in your twenties), I'm too stressed. Like Gilda Radner said, it's always something.
Well, I'm running out of excuses. I am a grown ass woman who knows who she is and what she wants out of life. To make the most of every day, because I know that I have less time in front of me than I do behind me, and every sunrise is a gift because it means God has decided to let me live another day. Will it happen overnight? NOPE. Should I be arranging to have someone call me at exactly 6:30 every morning to make sure I remember my goals? Probably. For the first time in a long time, however, I am doing my very best to make the most out of a time of year that I have (almost fatally) struggled with in the past. Time to challenge myself to embrace daylight.
But don't call me. I WILL block you.
Comentários