Looks Like We (Almost) Made It

Finally! We are in the long awaited 'ber months. Long awaited for many of us, at least. Summer has always been difficult for me. Days with almost fifteen hours of sunlight and temperatures in the nineties, higher with the humidity in my neck of the woods. I think I've mentioned this before, but my first panic attack (what I believe it to be) was when I was fifteen years old. A candy striper sitting at the back entrance of our once tiny hospital in her pinafore and Tretorns, waiting for Mom to pick me up. I stared outside at the midday sun, not a cloud in the sky, blazing hot outside, and something about the way it looked and felt and sounded, with those f*cking cicadas singing incessantly, and I felt it. That tightness in my chest, difficulty breathing, and an overwhelming sense of doom. I guess that's why it remains such a strong memory 44 years later.

Since then, every major mental health event I've experienced, with the exception of the first one, which was more situational, has played out in the middle of Summer. While everyone else revels in the warm weather while enjoying themselves at the pool, the beach, or the water park, I just see it as 3-4 months I have to get through. Don't get me wrong, I had so much fun with the grandchildren in the pool this summer. But on August 31 I was at work at the end of the day changing my Gooseberry Patch wall calendar and putting out my ceramic pumpkin on my desk. All the while thinking to myself, "I made it! I survived another summer!" Oh, what a difference twenty four hours makes.

We all have rough days at work, even at a job we love. My place of work has gone through a major transformation this year, one that I knew would be difficult. For all of us. Change is always hard, even positive change. It brings about new stressors-some that we prepare for, and others that take us completely by surprise. But we love the people we work with (at least I do) so we push forward and try to make the most of a challenging situation. After all, most of us have to work, especially those of us who decided to treat ourselves to a new car for our birthday.

We all had a difficult day yesterday. I am no different or better than anyone else. Except that I have depression and anxiety. And I let yesterday get the better of me. There was so much tactile stimulation that I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin. I put in my earbuds to try and focus, listening to a beautiful fall ambience video on YouTube. Usually that's enough. But I am not exaggerating when I say that at one point I had my earbuds so loud that there could have been an active sh**ter in the building and I wouldn't have noticed.

Five o'clock hit and I flew out of there like I had been greased up and shot out of a cannon. That's when things should have gotten better. I drive my nice, new, clean car home while listening to Frank Sinatra like an 85 year old woman driving home from an afternoon of bridge, open the gate to my private patio (which is like my oasis), and am greeted by Brody, my half lab half husky who is currently the only male in my life who worships me. I take him for a walk as I always do, trying to deep breathe, decompress. This time, though, I couldn't shake it. I ended up inhaling two bowls of Cheerios Protein cereal (Because that is so much better for me, right? Right?) with sliced banana. I felt slightly better, but by ten o'clock I am sitting in my old lady nightgown watching Family Guy and absolutely slaughtering an almost full container of rainbow sherbet.

Now, if you know depression, you know that sugar only makes it worse. Next thing you know, I can't get out of bed the next morning when my alarm goes off, I can't stop crying, and I'm being reported to HR (as I should be, because I've missed so much work because of this f*cking depression). Thankfully I have a supervisor who, while she is simply following protocol, is sympathetic to my situation and will always try to work with me. But all I can think today, as I sit here in a caftan with bedroom shoes and no bra watching a marathon of South Park, is how I am jeopardizing my job, my home, not to mention my new car. But it's just too powerful.

I moved into my home a year ago, and it was the best decision I ever made. It's safe, peaceful, and I have plenty of room. And of course there is the aforementioned patio. On January first of this year, I decided to take a photo of my patio on the first day of each month. I am such a seasonal person, and I love how my surroundings change with each season (yes, even Summer). So yesterday, my little notification went off at four o'clock reminding me to take the picture. Obviously, I couldn't do it right then because I was at work, but as I stared at the reminder on my phone I realized I had no desire to. First world problems, I know, but part of what gets me through seasonal depression is looking forward to the beginning of each month, which is like a fresh start every thirty-odd days.

I kept looking outside as it slowly got darker and darker, thinking to myself, "It doesn't matter if the patio isn't perfectly decorated, just take the picture." Sadly, I just could not bring myself to do it. Much like I felt this morning when my alarm went off. "Cindy, it doesn't matter that your life isn't perfect or your mood isn't perfect, just get up and keep going." But I couldn't do that either. It is now 3:16 pm and I can guarantee I would still be buried under those covers if the dog didn't have to go out. If I'm being completely honest, there's still a good chance I may go get back under those covers as soon as I finish this.

The one thing I managed to accomplish? I took the picture. Just as it was.....pine straw not raked up, no decorative Autumn throw pillows, remnants of Summer still sitting outside getting baked in the sun, discarded dog toys. No filter, just sun and shadows, and concrete that is in desperate need of a good power wash. The perfect representation of how I am feeling. Unfinished, in a state of change, and in need of a shower.

Sometimes you just have to embrace what is, not filter and edit it and set it to an upbeat song to post on the Insta. Life is sometimes ugly, and you just have to let it be ugly for a while. I thought I made it through the Summer, but not quite. The good thing is, if you just let yourself embrace life's difficulties for a little while, you can start over again the next day and try to make it a better one. Here's to next month's picture.