As I Was Saying....

Remember that time in January when I said we should all wait to make New Year's Resolutions until we are a few months into the year and it's not just miserable, cold, and dark outside? Well, how'd we all do? Did any of you wait until the snow melted, the flowers started to bloom, and the sun stayed up til after 7 pm? Yeah, me either.

Today is May 2, a Saturday. A dark, rainy, and unseasonably cool start to the unofficial beginning of the summer months. Three weeks ago my daughter and I were laying by the pool. Today I'm in my Jaws lounge pants and a sweatshirt, watching Ghost Adventures as I do every Saturday because I don't like to leave my house.

The last few weeks I've been thinking back on my last blog, disappointed in myself that I'm almost five months into the new year and have nothing to show for it except longer (and grayer) hair. I haven't started exercising, I haven't started cooking healthier meals for myself during the week (although I did manage to cut way back on sugar), and I'm still just trying to make it through each day without a panic attack.

And you know why? Because this year, like most in the last decade, has been a complete dumpster fire, with many of us going to bed each night wondering what fresh Hell we are going to wake up to the next morning. I don't know about you, but I deleted the CNN app several months ago.

This year, America celebrates its 250th birthday, yet I can't help but feel like we are in a bad TV show that is being threatened with cancellation in its 250th season. You know, kind of like what happened when The Brady Bunch introduced cousin Oliver? Except in this show, which is starting to feel more and more like a decade long episode of Ashton Kutcher's Punked, cousin Oliver isn't a precocious, bespectacled, toe-headed blonde with a bowl cut and brown corduroys. I don't think I need to spell it out. We all know who cousin Oliver is in this 1970's disaster movie we are living in.

Now, before you come at me, this is just my opinion, which I am entitled to while we still have First Amendment rights. But let's just take a look at the things that have happened in the first four months of the 2,026th episode of "America":

1. We invaded Venezuela and captured their president. Surprise! Welcome to 2026.

2. We hooked up with our new bestie Israel and decided Iran wasn't allowed in the play group anymore. Oh, and we didn't ask our parents before we did it, but hey, it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission, right?

3. We sent police academy dropouts into suburban neighborhoods, gave them masks and weapons, and let them kidnap 5 year olds in bunny hats walking home from school.

4. That wasn't enough, so they decided to take out a soccer mom and an ICU nurse just to prove how small their penises ACTUALLY are.

5. The Olympics.

6. People are acting like morons and rage baiting normal human beings just for likes and followers.

7. It snowed in my hometown. Like, alot.

8. Astronauts traveled farther away from Earth than anyone ever has.

9. Cousin Oliver decided to finally make an appearance at the WHCD, bringing the rest of the Brady brats with him, and shocker, shots are fired. Was it real? Was it staged? Who knows? This is TV after all. Somebody go ask Ashton.

10. Voter rights are slowly being stripped away.

Actually, I think I've decided on my 2026 New Year's Resolution. It's to make it to 2027, preferably without a stint in the psych ward. Because you know what? I still believe that most of us are good Americans, and eventually cousin Oliver is going to age out of his role and he'll be replaced by.....well, anyone. Preferably someone who has intellect, empathy, respect for others, and an intact moral compass who can undo all the damage that is being done.

Until then, let's continue to try and focus on the random acts of kindness. The Olympics, bringing Republicans and Democrats together to root for the USA. The astronaut who took his love for his late wife 252,756 miles from Earth and etched her name in the cosmos forever. The people who perform acts of service anonymously and not for their TikTok followers.

Hang in there, guys. We're gonna make it.