It's that time of year again....the approach of Halloween, also known as Samhain, All Hallow's Eve, and as I like to affectionately refer to it....The High Holy Day. Now, don't get me wrong, I am a proud Christian. I just happen to LOVE this holiday. For as long as I can remember, I have loved this time of year, and my childlike adoration of Halloween has not waned over the years. (I'm the cross-eyed clown in the middle)
Neither has my love of horror movies. A while back I listed some of the most annoyingly entertaining things about horror films, so in honor of this Halloween season (and while I listen to horror sounds on tv with my Halloween lights glowing), here's another edition of Cindy's Top 10 Horror Movie Do's And Don'ts.
Let's face it, there are some pretty shitty parents out there. They send their kids to school without a bath, with one eyebrow shaved off, with stories of how Mom let them watch The Exorcist.....okay, it's me. I'M shitty parents. But here's what I haven't done, Gary and Sheila. I've never sent my kids to summer camp. What a crappy thing to do to your offspring! If you put them on that rickety old school bus that's been hand painted with the camp slogan, one and/or two things are going to happen - young Dylan is going to pop his cherry with a camp counselor, or little Amanda is going to decide to go skinny dipping in the lake alone at night and end up with an arrow to the eyeball. Or worse, those two zany kids are gonna catch a spear through the chest WHILE hooking up in the lake. Just give them the Nintendo Wii and let them enjoy their summer.
Never agree to babysit on Halloween. Being a virgin alone with a couple of helpless kids on the most mischievous holiday of the year pretty much guarantees you're going to have a bad night. Just do like me - make a bunch of holiday themed foods for people who aren't going to come over, eat all the Halloween candy, then wait up til midnight just so you can watch the Halloween music on the Music Choice channel switch over to Christmas music.
Never let anyone dare you to do anything. You'll end up on the front page of your local newspaper on November 1 as the "troubled teen" who was dared to "Spider-Man"-it up some scaffolding on a house under construction in a remote area of town. Just own the name calling and cock-a-doodle-do your way back to the safety of your Mom's house.
FOLLOW THE F*CKING CREEK DOWNSTREAM!!! I think I may have included this in my first list, but it bears repeating.
If you hear a child's voice in the night calling for help, ignore it. Trust me, it is NOT a child. It's either a psychopath in a clown costume hiding in your attic, a vengeful mom with an unnatural attachment to her dead son, or worse, an actual ghost crying for help as they spend eternity in Purgatory, reliving their 100 year old murder over and over again like it was on a loop in a Macy's elevator. You can't help them. Lock all the windows and doors and put in some ear plugs.
Don't be gettin' all cocky. Puffing your chest out and telling everyone to stay together in the living room while you go investigate does not make you sexy, it makes you stupid. There is nothing you can do at this point to impress your girlfriend. She has already caught on that you're a dick and is planning to leave you for your book-smart best friend when y'all all get back from the awkward weekend at the cabin.
In a life or death situation, always follow the weird group. They will likely have the most unique (and successful) ideas for escape. And if not, at least you will have been entertained in the last hours of your short, worthless life.
If the impeccably dressed, delightfully cryptic host invites you to sit down with him/her for a meal, stick with the salad. Number one, everything else on the table will probably have some body parts hidden in it (has anybody seen MeeMaw?), and number two, you're just not going to be able to run fast enough if you're bloated, gassy, and weighed down by really rich, fatty foods, and we all know that carbs are a short term solution for a lack of energy. You're gonna come off that sugar high about five yards from the only road for miles, and you'll end up the next meal on that table. On the other hand, us fluffy folks are hard to kidnap. Just use your best judgment depending on your circumstances.
If you see strange, moving lights in the night sky, and you think there is ANY chance they may be aliens, just wave em on by. Our planet has enough drama.
Finally, and this one is courtesy of my daughter, if your wife tells you there's something strange going on in the old Victorian home that you bought at a criminally low price, just believe her the first time. Don't drag out this misery until everyone in the house is either dead or has PTSD. You might as well take your marriage license and use it to wrap fish, because she will never forgive OR forget, and she sure as Hell won't let you forget. And if, God forbid, your concern for your wife's sanity leads you to actually have her committed and then you find out she was right? Just move, man. Change your name, alter your appearance, and start a new life in the panhandle of Florida. No one will want to look for you there.
If you have any pet peeves when you watch your favorite horror movies, I'd love to hear them! Just comment below. Happy High Holy Day!!
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