Girl, Don't Go In There! (Common Horror Film Mistakes)
Updated: Aug 2
Anyone who knows me knows that I am a horror movie fanatic. I may not be at the Final Jeopardy level of horror movie trivia, but I do consider myself somewhat of a connoisseur. A "Horror Sommelier", if you will. Needless to say, there are things that happen in horror movies that you can pretty much set your clock by. Unfortunately, many of them are cringe-worthy, yell at the screen, "they deserve what they get" mistakes that we all pray we would never make if faced with real life terror. Having said that, here are a few things to keep in mind (just in case):
If you are the stereotype of the group, you are probably going to die. First. Whether you are the jock, the class clown, village tramp, token ethnic, or nosy neighbor, the clock is ticking for you. Best to play it safe and be the virgin, and you just might make it to the final credits.
If you hear an unidentified noise, don't investigate that shit. Don't turn around in the middle of a dark street, don't whimper a "Who's there?" into the silence, and for God's sake do NOT go up the stairs. Trust me, whoever was up there is already dead. Just whistle a happy tune and be on your merry way.
The time to have sex is not in the middle of a crisis situation. Keep your clothes on, or you'll end up drawn and quartered and tacked to the school bulletin board along with the other announcements.
Keep your hands to yourself. If you come across a random hole in the wall that wasn't there before, don't stick your arm in there to see if there's a hidden wad of cash or the family jewels. Odds are there is someone on the other side with a sharp object, ready to slice and dice whatever appendage may appear.
Don't open the fridge. I know that trying to escape a deranged killer is thirsty work, but if you open the refrigerator door for a refreshing beverage, there IS going to be a head in there. Guaranteed.
Speaking of drinks, never accept one from a stranger. This is applicable in real life, too, but rest assured, if you're in a horror film you're going to wake up in a field, a dingy basement, or a hotel bathtub missing a kidney. Just grab a bottle of Smart Water on your way out the door and keep it in your bag.
When the little girl with ringlets and turn of the century clothing appears before you in the hallway of the gigantic house you just inherited from an aunt you didn't even know you had, and she tells you to get out, BELIEVE her. Don't try and blame it on lack of sleep, the weather, or your precocious middle child who loves to play harmless pranks. Get the Hell out of there. Don't even pack. Just grab the child closest to you and tell the others to keep up. Things are only going to go downhill from here.
Stay together. If some tool in a letter jacket says you should all split up and look for a way out of the haunted attraction, cut him loose. You don't need that kind of negative energy. Your situation is already precarious.
Never go camping so far deep in the woods that you can't get a cell signal, but if you do and you discover that you are lost, FOLLOW THE CREEK DOWNSTREAM. It has to lead somewhere. If you choose not to do this, you deserve whatever you get.
Finally, always make sure the killer is dead. Honestly, this should go without saying, but we've all seen way too many doe-eyed virgins whack the bad guy over the head with a cricket bat once then collapse less than five feet away, only to see a close up of the killer's eyes flying open, and the next thing you know he's grabbing her by the ankle, dragging her back down into the cave, and the screen goes black. Girl, you gotta take that cricket bat and keep swinging until that bad boy lodges into the hardwood floor underneath what is left of his head. Then run like Hell, because chances are he'll still get up.
Be sure to follow me for more tips.