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Where's My Strychnine? (Things I Would Rather Do Than File Taxes)

Well, we've survived that dreaded time of year. No, not pollen season, although here in the South they are not mutually exclusive. I'm talking about tax season. I'm not even sure why it's called a "season", unless you think of it as a time in our lives that we must pass through in order to become stronger as human beings. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't feel any stronger once I've filed my taxes, I just feel like I need a drink.


I didn't always feel this way about doing my taxes. It might not have been the MOST fun I've had on a weekend, but I always had them done in a reasonable amount of time. That all changed when I got married, and while I will spare you the sordid details of the financial trainwreck that was my marriage, I will impart this piece of advice - if you're going to marry someone who is self-employed and doesn't pay themselves a regular salary, don't file jointly. (Because guess who they're gonna come after?)

These days, even with the convenience of online filing, I will put off doing my taxes like a death row inmate trying to escape the chair. So, in honor of that bullet that I seem to have dodged for another year, here are a few of the things I would rather do on any given day than prepare my tax return (feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments):

  1. Be pregnant for two years. Honestly, I loved being pregnant, and I figure if elephants can carry their offspring for two years, then I should be able to handle it. At least I get a baby at the end instead of the threat of garnished wages.

  2. Eat Brussels sprouts. My mother served these once when I was a kid, until my brother, as we were all whining about having to eat what smelled like arm pits in the locker room after gym class, pointed out that my mother wasn't eating hers either. We never had to have them again, but when it comes down to it, there isn't a food out there that can't be ingested if you put enough Ranch dressing on it. (Sidebar: I have a great dirty joke about Ranch dressing if you want to hear it. Just message me.)

  3. Listen to the Baby Shark song on a loop for 24 hours. (Admit it, you're now singing that song to yourself)

  4. Have a Hymenoplasty and lose my virginity all over again. THIS IS ACTUALLY A THING, PEOPLE!! What woman would want to go through that again?! Oh, that's right. Me, if it got me out of having to file a return for that thirteen-cent residual check for an acting project I don't even remember doing. And if I'm being brutally honest, it's probably already grown back together at this point anyway, so surgery wouldn't even be necessary.

  5. Provide foot care to every patient in the Emergency Department. Now, if you know me, you know that I hate feet. I really, really hate them. If you're hanging out with me and you take off your shoes, just know that I'm not going to hear anything you say from that point on, because I'm going to be focusing on taking shallow breaths, so I don't have to potentially smell your feet. (This aversion does not apply to itty bitty baby feet, which are adorable and should be kissed at every opportunity)

  6. Watch every episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. This is actually a really good idea, because if I watch enough of it, my IQ will drop so far that I will be unable to hold down a job, and thus will no longer have to file taxes. This MAY be a win-win.

  7. Spend the night in a house full of roaches. NOPE. This is a lie. I can't back this up. I would rather file taxes manually, on paper, without a computer, and drive to the IRS office and file my returns in person.

  8. Sit through a James Bond marathon. When my mother went into labor with me, they were at a James Bond double feature at the drive-in, and my father refused to leave until it was over. To this day I don't think I've made it through even one entire James Bond film. I'll probably lose a few friends over this one, but I stand by it.

  9. Give up coffee. Not forever, but like, for a year. I could do a year. Or maybe a month. A month is probably more realistic. How about a week? Anyone could get through just a week without coffee. I mean, I already gave up soda....kind of. What do you people want from me?!!

  10. Become a morning person. Stop laughing! I could do it. Of course, that would mean that #9 is totally off the table, but if it meant I didn't have to spend that tortuous 45 minutes on my computer inputting my tax info so that the website can do all the work for me and calculate the refund that is going to be automatically deposited into my account while I'm sleeping, then yes. I will put on my big girl panties and get up before eight.

OK, so maybe this is all a bit of an exaggeration and in reality I'm just an expert procrastinator. But hey, we all have to be good at something, right?

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