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Sorry I'm Late, I Didn't Want To Come (The Lazy Person's Guide To Getting Out Of Work)

Unless you've spent the last two years under a slab of concrete, you know that the job climate has basically imploded. When Covid hit, I think we all expected that the world as we knew it would never be the same. Aside from the devastating loss of life, our economy tanked, countless people lost their jobs, and social media tore us apart.

What came as a surprise, though (at least to me), was what has come to be called The Great Resignation. I realize we are in unprecedented times, and for at least a year it was understandable that people were wary of returning to the workplace. Now here we are almost halfway through 2022.....and people are just becoming lazy. Respectfully, I know there are people out there who have legitimate reasons for not re-entering the work force. I don't know who they are, but I respect them.

For the rest of you, meaning those who seem to have lost their work ethic down a storm drain, at least try to make it interesting. Here are a few suggestions for those of you shopping for just the right excuse not to be a productive member of society:

  1. "I got a flat tire". This is the go-to excuse for those of you without a creative bone in your body. If you do get a wild hair to embellish a bit, call out with a flat tire at least six hours before your shift and report that you must stay IN said car until your dad comes.

  2. "My ride cancelled". OK, first of all, if you don't have reliable transportation, this job may not be the best option for you right now, but if you are convinced that your calling is home care, at least have reliable friends.

  3. "My baby got a scratch at day care". OK, first-time moms, you get a break. When it comes to baby number one, we're all a bit over-protective, over-anxious, and well.....annoying. By the time number two arrives, you need to slap some Neosporin on it and tell them to walk it off. Mama's got somewhere to be.

  4. "I forgot". Now this one's a classic. Certainly a valid excuse if you have early dementia, are in a Hallmark Movie and just woke up with amnesia after crashing your car into a ditch while driving to your hometown's fall festival, or banged the shit out of your head on a wooden beam. If you don't fall into any of these categories, though, you probably need to start watching your schedule more closely.

  5. "My <insert name here> died." Now let me clarify something. I would never minimize the death of a loved one, and if that happens, my heart breaks for you, and you do whatever you need to. The job will be here when you're ready to come back. But if that's your excuse for not coming to work three times in a two week period, I think you have other things you need to deal with. If it keeps up, someone's probably going to start asking for death certificates.

  6. "It's Mother's Day and I have plans with my family." Well, maybe you shouldn't have picked up the shift then, JANICE. Trust me, the Olive Garden is still going to be there when you're done.

  7. "My body is sore and I need to soak." Honestly, who DOESN'T feel that way?! I don't know about the rest of you, but I have to coat my body in Voltaren gel before my feet even hit the floor. You 20-somethings think you know what "sore" is? Well, I have one piece of advice for you. Wait.

  8. "I was going to my car and I didn't see the shift in my schedule anymore, so I went back in and laid down." Ok, champ, you go get some rest. That 96 year old WWII vet can probably just wing it. Oh, hey, did you know there's an after-hours number you can call instead of assuming management just decided to surprise you with a day off?

  9. "I pooped my pants." Really?! Didn't you go before you left?! Even a six year old knows this. Honestly, though, I don't want to jinx myself, so I won't pass judgment.

  10. "I just can't, not today, I can't." This one is legit. If someone is actually giving a real and honest answer as to why they can't come in to work, they obviously need the day off. Cut 'em a break.

I feel certain this thing has yet to hit rock bottom, and the excuses are going to continue to roll in. Let's just hope people get a little bit more creative, because I'm not sure how many more times I can hear these excuses. I wonder if people will start throwing Santa under the bus come December.

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